I Was Switched At Birth
I’m not quite certain how a gay anti-war secular humanist who dreams of living in a blue state ended up in a family of rabid pro-war Baptist NASCAR-watching Bush supporters, but I fear that somewhere there’s a family of leftist Unitarians wondering why their son spits and chews, speaks in tongues, and wants to kill anyone with darker skin who doesn’t accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
I survived Thanksgiving, though only because I exercised all the anger-management skills my therapy group has been working on. For three hours, I was told that it doesn’t matter that Bush lied. Saddam was behind 9/11 and we had to get him. The hurricanes are God’s warning to us that we need to stop gay marriage and teach intelligent design. Oh, and everyone in the family is firmly convinced that the reason I’ve stopped drinking and doing drugs is because I have AIDS.
Absolutely none of that is true, but there isn’t a soul in the family, including my nieces and nephews, who don’t accept all of that as Heaven-inspired Gospel. I really don’t want to believe that my family is typical of Southern Bush supporters, but it would certainly explain a lot of what is happening in America today.
I want to move to Canada. I’m not kidding. I want to move to Canada. Would some nice Canadian please, pretty-please, adopt me? Please? Even Stephen Harper and the Tories can’t be THIS bad!
